It all started when our hero, Tyler, woke up in a pumpkin patch. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling overwhelmingly angered, Tyler grabbed a paper clip, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Soon afterward, he realized that his beloved Heisman was missing! Immediately he called his friend, Darick. Tyler had known Darick for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Darick was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Tyler called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Darick picked up to a very angry Tyler. Darick calmly assured him that most otters cringe before mating, yet hamsters usually wildly cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Tyler. Why was Darick trying to distract Tyler? Because he had snuck out from Tyler's with the Heisman only eleven days prior. It was a electric little Heisman... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Tyler got back to the subject at hand: his Heisman. Darick belched. Relunctantly, Darick invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Heisman. Tyler grabbed his piano and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Darick realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Heisman and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Tyler took the KAT bus, he had take at least five minutes before Tyler would get there. But if he took the the scooter? Then Darick would be abundantly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Darick was interrupted by two abrasive co-eds that were lured by his Heisman. Darick belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he skillfully reached for his butterknife and recklessly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged sluts began to scurry back toward the cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the the KAT bus rolling up. It was Tyler.

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of forks, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Tyler was out of the the SEC and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Darick's front door. Meanwhile inside, Darick was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Heisman into a box of butterknifes and then slid the box behind his couch. Darick was relieved but at least the Heisman was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Darick indiscriminately purred. With a mighty push, Tyler opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid genius in a Pontiac Aztec,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Darick assured him. Tyler took a seat proximate to where Darick had hidden the Heisman. Darick cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Tyler was distracted. Out of nowhere, Darick noticed a selfish look on Tyler's face. Tyler slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Darick felt a stabbing pain in his butt when Tyler asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Heisman right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Tyler's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's paper clips from when she used to have pet kittens. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Tyler nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Darick could react, Tyler randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Heisman was plainly in view.

Tyler stared at Darick for what what must've been eleven seconds. A few minutes later, Darick groped flamboyantly in Tyler's direction, clearly desperate. Tyler grabbed the Heisman and bolted for the door. It was locked. Darick let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Tyler,' he rebuked. Darick always had been a little selfish, so Tyler knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Darick did something crazy, like... start chucking forks at him or something. Out of nowhere, he gripped his Heisman tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Darick looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Tyler. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Tyler. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Darick walked over to the window and looked down. Tyler was gone.

Just yonder, Tyler was struggling to make his way through the "Fort" behind Darick's place. Tyler had severely hurt his abdomen during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral co-eds suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Heisman. One by one they latched on to Tyler. Already weakened from his injury, Tyler yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of sluts running off with his Heisman.

But then God came down with His smart smile and restored Tyler's Heisman. Feeling displeased, God smote the sluts for their injustice. Then He got in His 5.0 Mustang and zipped away with the fortitude of 11,000 bunnies running from a misshapen pack of marmots. Tyler fell with joy when he saw this. His Heisman was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When beavers meet weapon of mass destruction'). Tyler was contented. And so, everyone except Darick and a few gun-toting bammers lived blissfully happy, forever after.