2013 SEC Football Preview

 

Here at Feelslike98.com we are previewing the 2013 SEC football season....only we are doing it our way. Where most power nerds like Phil Steele use their silly little stats, graphs and other dweeb porn to make their prognostications we are using our god given elite intuitive powers to tell you how this season is going to play out. But that’s not all. We also aren’t going to waste our fucking time breaking down the poor, shit-tier schools that no one gives a fuck about. If you are expecting a manifesto on Kentucky’s special teams then you are a fucking weirdo and you can go be weird somewhere other than here. As a result the depth and breadth of each preview will correlate to how much people care about them. They will be cut off at the exact point where a normal human would say to himself “Why am I reading this?

 

2013 South Carolina Gamecocks



 

OFFENSE: You know that timeless bar debate of ‘what is better, having sex with a girl who is a 10 or having a threesome with two 5s?”  This pretty much sums up Steve Spurrier’s quarterback philosophy since 1997. It’s like the old ball coach one day just up and decided ‘Hell I already banged Danny Weurfful, now I want to get weird with Syvelle Newton and Doug Johnson” So enter Connor Shaw and Dylan Thompson. A couple of brahs who don’t scare anyone but can do some basic shit out there. Connor Shaw looks like a douche as well. I’m sure they have some big ass doofus at TE who is pretty good and a decent running back who has a white guy’s name, Mike or Ken - some shit like that.

 

DEFENSE: Ok, so we will acknowledge Jadaveon Clowney is a bad ass. His imposing physical stature is outdone only by his blackness and dreads. We will say that South Carolina people are annoying as fuck when talking about him. I have a South Carolina friend who brought him up like 8 times the other day on the golf course in mid-summer. If this happens to you just say he is overrated and watch the blood leave their face.

 

How this season will play out

 

Full disclosure, I don’t know their schedule and I don’t want South Carolina banner ads popping up on my computer after I google search that shit. It doesn’t matter though because I’ve been watching college football long enough to tell you how this shit works. First off, I guarantee they play AT LEAST 1 Thursday night game, maybe 2, because they love that shit. Seriously, why do they jerk it to Thursday night games down there? I’d be pissed if the Vols played on Thursday. But South Carolina? They think that it is a huge honor. It would be like Nick Cannon bragging about his Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice awards. Plus it sucks once you have played on Thursday you don’t have a game to look forward to on the weekend. Like that kid in 3rd grade who eats his lunch at his desk at 10am. You sit over at your desk watching, saying to yourself “Those gushers look fucking awesome....and wait-a-second...is that a Capri Sun? FUCK”  But then lunch rolls around little premature lunch boy is sitting there with his arms crossed while I destroy a pallet of tater tots. I would always make sure to throw ⅓ of a tray of tots in the damn trash right in front of him as well.


Anyway, they will definitely not win shit that matters because they haven’t ever won shit that matters. They will beat some decent team like UGA or Florida, inexplicably lose to someone that isn’t good like Miss St and have their cruise control set on Outback bowl by Halloween.