The University of Tennessee football program has once again found itself in yet another coaching search. As many Vol fans know, coaching searches can be a confusing and trying time for fandom. To make things easier, we at have decided to break down this coaching search in a way that’s a little easier to understand. Before we begin going over the candidates, we must first look at how we got here.

In 2008, The Vols decided to end their long term relationship, to dream girl Phillip Fulmer. Once the ex was out of the picture, we decided to get a little crazy with Lane Kiffin. Kiffin was a mere one night stand, but we had a lot (and I mean A LOT), of fun that night. Kiffin was the hot new girl in school that did things our ex would never even think of doing. Ultimately, the one night stand was a little too wild for us, and after waking up to an empty bed and a missing wallet the next morning, we decided to search for the real rebound girl, Derek Dooley. Dooley was the girl you thought you could be with forever. She’s pretty, seems like a great girl to bring home to mom, but is still a little inexperienced with long term relationships. Eventually the lack of experience catches up to her and we decided that we wanted a little bit more out of our relationship. This leads us to the search for the new girl. Were now ready to settle down and start a new chapter, but who will be the lucky lady?


Phillip Fulmer- As discussed earlier, Fulmer was at one point our dream girl. She was smart, loyal, and really gave us the best years of our lives. We’ve hardly talked since the breakup, but in our minds we think that running back to her will take everything back to the way it used to be, but it won’t. When we put those rings on our hands we thought it would be forever, but ultimately it just didn’t work out and we just need to come to the realization that it’s time to move on.

Bobby Petrino- This is a girl, that much like Kiffin, is a wild one. We think she may be a little too wild for us, but we had so much fun with the last one that we think it may be worth the shot. She’s notorious for jumping around from guy to guy, but we think we may be able to be the ones to change her ways. While she may be easier to get than some of the other girls, some of the things she leaves you with may require a prescription to cure.

David Cutcliffe- Cutcliffe is our ex’s sister. She kind of acts like our ex, and while still being pretty, she’s just not as attractive as she used to be. We think running to her will fill the void left by our ex, but it won’t. She seems like she’s pretty happy where she is now, and while we can still be friends, its best we realize we should move on from that family.

Larry Fedora- Larry is one of the new young girls in town. She comes from a smaller town where she was far and away the most popular girl in school. She dresses nice, comes from a decent family, and is a strong 7.5. Unfortunately there are still some concerns on how she will fare in a bigger town where she’s not the most popular girl.

 Al Golden- This girl is by far the best dresser on our list. Unfortunately the best dressed doesn’t always equal best fit. She’s a nice girl, who was at one point very popular, but she’s been running with the wrong crowd and she is starting to carry a little baggage.

Charlie Strong- She’s another newer girl in town. She’s fit, very sexy, and also comes from a decent family. In her short time at school she’s already made captain of the varsity cheer squad and is pretty popular throughout the school (prom queen runner up). We’ve never had a girl like her before, and are kind of curious as to what it would be like to bring her home. We also wonder if our grandparents would approve.

Jimbo Fisher- Our dad knew her when she was younger; he even coached her in little league. Now that she’s a little older, dad may be trying to get us together. He always enjoyed having her on his team and thinks that we would enjoy each other’s love of sports. She seems to be happy where she’s at and may or may not be interested. Maybe we can just meet for coffee and see where things go.

Kirby Smart- This girl is a girl that we aren’t really crazy about, but our dad is. Our dad has been really good friends with her dad for quite a while, and both of them want us together. To make matters worse, she just broke up with the crosstown rivals quarterback. He never really let her do what she want and pretty much controlled what she did, and now she wants to move on. Shes also a solid 4/10.

Jon Gruden- Clearly the girl that everyone wants, she is the most popular girl in school. We grew up together and we were friends for quite some time until she moved away. Now she’s back in town and some old feelings are starting to come back as well. We both flirt a little bit back and forth, but nothing really comes of it. She’s pretty high maintenance, but totally worth it. You can feel the chemistry between us, but if we don’t act now, she may be the one who got away.


Who will we end up with? It’s hard to tell. The prom is coming up fast and we need to get a date. Will we land the girl of our dreams, or will we be rejected and wind up picking the nerdy girl with the head gear and glasses as thick as salsa jars?