If there is one thing Tennessee is known for above all else it is attracting underachievers. Fortunately for most of us, only the athletic busts are in the spotlight.....well, until recently. I’d like to present you with the biggest bust in University of Tennessee History.............Xander Broughton (it’s Scotch). While Brian Darden or James Banks might piss us off on fall Saturdays, the wake of their disappointment is minor and brief.
If only that were true for Butt Chug Billy over here.
Hurricane Xander came through K-town like fucking Katrina. In case you don’t have the Internet here is a brief recap of this guy’s career.
-Dude anally funnels some Franzia (hey, in his defense it is the most popular wine in the world)
-Dude gets alcohol poisoning
-KNS breaks story on the incident
-Dude becomes a local punchline
-Dude gets pissed
-Dude hires Thaddeus T. Third the Fifth has his attorney
-Dude has a presser to discuss incident
-Dude becomes a national punchline
Whoa. That makes OJ Owens seem like Dale Carter. If only it stopped there maybe Xander could have slid into the recesses of a ‘feeling lucky’ Google search. But it didn’t. Anal Enema Ernie (I have an unlimited supply of these) is still wreaking havoc on the hill. On top of making our prestigious-ish university a punchline that even Penn St fans are giggling at, he also got his 3000 year old frat kicked off campus. Nice work, buddy.
You would think that the dust would have finally settled and the book closed on ole Xander, but nope. Even after the initial blast and subsequent EMP from this ass chugging atom bomb the radioactive fallout was still to come. This week the University of Tennessee implemented new standards for fraternities on campus as a result of the butt-chugging incident. The school’s Interfraternity Council ruled that the minimum required GPA for fraternity brothers be raised to 2.75, parties must have outside security and some houses will have outside ‘house director’ residents.
Son of a bitch, Xander, you stupid ass little shit. I've gotta hand it to you - We have had some underachieving football players who have ruined seasons. We have had underachieving coaches who have ruined decades. But you take the cake. You went ahead and ruined greek life for a fucking generation. Thousands of future frat stars will now be relegated to apartment parties with the poors in The Commons instead of fraternity house orgies following a kick-ass Velco Pygmies show. Minimum 2.75 GPA? Looks like Pong won’t be the only Asian frat on campus in 10 years. And why the hell would I join a fraternity where I have some old dude living in the house monitoring my behavior? (As a side note - fuck the guy that does this. What kind of weird beat off wants to live with a bunch of college kids that hate him?)
Well done, Xander, you stupid queef. You have single-handedly ruined the former #1 party school in the nation. I don’t see anyway he can live this down as long as he lives. He will be at a Vol tailgate when he is 60 and some bro will be like ‘Yo dude, remember when you butt-funnelled that wine, almost died, became a national embarrassment and destroyed the entire university Greek system?”
Yes. Yes he does remember. We all do.