Deep inside a secret bunker underneath the stadium, scientists under contract by the Tennessee Titans organization work feverishly to develop yet a new shade of blue to add to the menagerie of blue-like variations already incorporated into Titans uniforms and fan apparel. Under strict orders from team administrators, the team hopes to roll out a new Alt uniform for the 2014 Titans home opener in honor of notorious blue-loving Bud Adams.

Back in the "heyday" of the Houston Oilers (heyday in quotes because they really never had a true heyday), Bud Adams and Oiler fans used to say "Love Ya Blue", and boy did he ever! Whether it is Periwinkle, Zaffre, Cornflower, Columbia, Carolina, Maya, Midnight, Cyan, or Ultramarine, Bud Adams weaved a rich tapestry incorporating every known shade of blue in order to achieve the Bluest Blue uniforms in the history of sport. A four year old boy’s nightmarish fantasy, the uniforms are bursting with farm-fresh blueness accentuated with some sort of ninja-like dagger on the helmets.  It is unfortunate that the greatest city in the United States is tainted by this fashion disaster. 

Good taste doesn’t strike me as a prerequisite to sit in Adelphia Field or whatever they call it. Neither does loyalty. For approximately 100 years, middle Tennessee was Big Orange Country. Middle Tennesseans would travel in droves to watch the Volunteers rise to the top of college football. How did Middle Tennessee repay the memories? By trading it all for a seat with a chairback and a $15 plastic bottle of Miller Lite – oh and let’s not forget THE MOST BORING NFL FRANCHISE OF ALL TIME. Can anybody other than a Titans fan name a Titans player? 

Memphis dodged a huge bullet by missing out on this “franchise”. Did the Oilers ever win a Super Bowl? All the Titans have achieved is a Super Bowl loss to arena league superstar Kurt Warner and the Rams. Not exactly on par with Reggie White, Peyton Manning, Johnny Majors, and General Neyland, but hey I guess it’s convenient for you guys in Middle Tennessee. And let’s not overlook how exciting it must be to watch the players run onto the field through a giant inflatable helmet flanked by fog machines. 

The Titans are a distasteful exercise in generic. Recently, I was “lucky” enough to receive a tour of the Titan’s locker room and Bad Adam’s personal suite. I, too, could be a multi-millionaire if I were that cheap.  The locker room looked like something out of a spec house built by Bob’s General Contracting. The entire group I was had this “I think Im supposed to be impressed but I am really fucking not” look on their faces. And the suite was even worse. Fatheads stuck on the wall and cheap, fake wood furnishings (the kind you might find in KAR’s office) were scattered about. 

The worst part of the entire Titans "phenomenon" is the insistence of their supporters that YOU also revert to preschool tastes and don the blue, cornflower, periwinkle, navy, royal, Cambridge, cyan, red and white. Throw in a cartoon dagger and get ready for some football, Titans style.